Sudden Death Final

A man had tickets to Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Final right at center ice. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

"Well, actually," the man responds, "the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No, no one. They're all at the funeral."

copperpenny22

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.. I was shocked..

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.

Twice




copperpenny22

just when you thought you knew jack
http://jack.zunino.net/knowjack.htm

EIGHT years of education pays off...

A man walked into a doctor's office and asked the doctor to inspect his leg. The man said, "Here, put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard very faintly, "Come on, can I have five bucks, just five bucks?"

The doctor stepped back in horror, and the man said, "I know, but it gets worse. Put your ear to my shin." The doctor put his ear to the man's shin and heard very faintly, "Come on, can I have ten bucks, just ten bucks?"

Once again, the doctor stood up, perplexed. The man then said, "If that surprises you, put your ear to my ankle." The doctor put his ear to the man's ankle and heard faintly, "Come on, can I have twenty bucks, just twenty bucks?"

The doctor stood up and said, "Well, I can make just one conclusion. Your leg is broke in three places."

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, Mommy?"

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Murphy's Laws Of Combat

If the enemy is in range, so are you

Incoming fire has the right of way

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire

There is always a way

That way is always mined

Try to look uminportant; they might be low on ammo

Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at

Odd objects attract fire. You are odd

If your attack is going well, it's an ambush

Never draw fire, it irritates those around you

When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy

Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder

Friendly fire isn't

The enemy never watches until you make a mistake

Interchangeable parts are not

The item you need is always in short supply

Peace is our profession, mass murder is just a hobby

Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together

Tracers work both ways

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire

Cooking Woes

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

copperpenny22

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Holy Moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat, picked at his lunch and watched the clock all day. He figured if he could get by until midnight he'd be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of
my lesson......

copperpenny22

Observations on Growing Older

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them ...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good... Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything ... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names ... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married .. Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ... were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You used to use more 4 letter words .. "what?"..."when?" ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:br> old songsbr> old moviesbr> And best of all OLD FRIENDS!!

lol