I think the picture says it all...LOL Have a great weekend everyone!

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin' call centre in Afghanistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Did you ask them how much hash they had?

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so
he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free
sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed
correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the
proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no sex
this time.'

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for
another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again
asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close again, but no
free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, 'I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Bubba replied, ' No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won
twice last week.'

The Man's Guide to Female English...

We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
You’re...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix so you’d better get used to it
I’m not yelling! = Yes I’m yelling because I think it’s important
All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Woman's Guide to Male English...

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this
What’s wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

Parents need more words to describe the weird things that happen to them on a regular basis. Here are some suggestions.

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus)adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPETUATION (kar pet' u a shun)n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. UNDUST (un dust')n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)n. The act of manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay')n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh)n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. LATTEBLOW (la tay' blow)v. Unintentional expusion of milk through the nose during a laugh.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Woops...

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bath- room changing out of her hospital gown."


copperpenny22

Marriage Promise

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...."

copperpenny22

Dead Duck...




A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary

surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet

pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's

chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and

sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has

passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the

vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean

you haven't done any testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the

room. He returned a few minutes later with a black

Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on

in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his

front paws on the examination table and sniffed the

duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the

vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out

of the room. A few minutes later he returned with

a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately

sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back

on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and

strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,

but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"

she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The

vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my

word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Was she blonde?

LOL!!

Not sure...

Probably was a mallard!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

A cowboy is riding across the plains of the Old West, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.

``You have been sentenced to death,'' said the Chief, ``but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests.''

The cowboy thought for a minute and said, ``Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse.''

``Give him his horse,'' said the Chief.

The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods...

``Second wish,'' said the Chief.

``I'll need my horse again,'' said the cowboy.

``Give him his horse,'' said the Chief.

Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful red-head on its back.

The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods...

``This is your last wish,'' said the Chief, ``make it a good one.''

``I'll need my horse again.''

``Give him his horse,'' said the Chief.

The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head and put his face right up to the horse's.

``Look, it's POSSE, ok, POSSE!!!''

A priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of Youth."

"Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.

"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!

I know, my son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof!